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Hermione's Journal
20 most recent entries

Date:2014-08-31 09:33
Subject:
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Regarding Handwriting

Fast -- thoughts move (hard)
through a wall of self.
Doubt. I need to write it
heavily, before its (coated in) irony
Think out loud!
"I'm trying to!"
(outrun) My self(-loathing),
It's the closest I get to dancing.

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Date:2009-06-25 09:34
Subject:
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Today I am dark with fury.
Today I visit this place, to hide the world
From me.

You do not understand what it is like,
The need to purge the words out of me,
To release the physical pain inside. I do this
Because I would be destructive otherwise,
Seek out another means of release, dig
Out the worm eating my core, with my
Hands, each full of blood and flesh.

You feel no nausea, no drive to open the door
For something trapped inside. You have not this power,
This curse that shoves me forward, into action that
Would break open this body. Does your spirit rattle
Your bones until they crack and moan?

No, you are not a slave to this profession. How could you
Know its depths?

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Date:2008-12-22 13:07
Subject:
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Boy in Car

You are always served best with music
(Most boys are)
Driving, recurrently a view of profile
With the occasional slow blinking
Glance towards me

You are quite stunning in this
Small space
So enclosed by the sounds and words
As we move at eighty miles an(d)
Hour(s) float on
This togetherness of you

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Date:2008-12-09 13:02
Subject:So I don't forget
Security:Public

This Conversation

You worship me, my soul
the most vulnerable part of me
is the gateway

It is the most honest, the rawest and most beautiful.

To begin any other way would be
a desecration, reckless

No other means of adoration
is the same

I guard the gate well
for it is the way to my soul
the most vulnerable part

It is the most intimate,
hardest for me to share
But when you seek it to know me,
to go where no one else may enter,
to truly see me,
I am the most adored

At times, you are obsessed with it
And I am afraid, I feel hunted
Made to surrender
And it is okay to remind you
I am afraid

You feel vulnerable as I do
when I approach your gateway
and it is equally good but difficult
for you to allow me to see an experience
your being and soul as well

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Date:2008-11-21 15:08
Subject:
Security:Public

The combination of
Myself + people
Wears me out.

I feel them crawling all
Over my conscious, my subconscious
Squirming, suffocating, manipulating.

They are so disgusting,
I was not designed to like people

I wander was it different before the curse
Before the taint, before men liked to stupidly
Disassemble everything,

Someone please explain to me how
One could like the parts better than the
Whole masterpiece in its assembled entirety.

Why would one prefer the paints liquefied
Off of a now dirty canvas, then be sure to
Show all guests the glob of color
Stained on the carpet.

If Eve was the deceived, was then man
always bent on destruction…

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Date:2008-11-21 14:35
Subject:
Security:Public

Flattery, by far, the worst
Of honesties (don’t) flatter me
I won’t believe your
Twisted words

Become truth even in hesitation
Even you doubt, you are saying
honestly

Today I project the nothing,
Leaving the decision of mistrust
In your thoughts, (not mine)

Left alone, flattered
No more, no that will never
Happen, flattering exists
only for you.

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Date:2008-10-04 22:43
Subject:
Security:Public

Fleshly Tones

Smell of sweet
soft muscle
in repose of sleep
heavy stone weight and
breathing,
in the dark
I mistake a lions
mane,
a relaxed heavy paw
always ready for death,
but in deep
sleep a delicious
mass of warm
and docile
temptations,
fear nothing
not even your
lioness.

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Date:2008-09-08 22:20
Subject:
Security:Public

Side of You

I crawl into
bed, a sudden stricken fear that you are someone else
and evil and
I reach out in the dark
to dispel my fears, my hand
reaching you,
and you are heavy and
wet from dreaming and deep
breaths from the unconscious depths,
the smell of your skin
and sleep is intoxicating with
reassurance and I am struck
by a deep pang of affection for
the sleeping boy, in his
adult awkward body beside
me so close,
so overwhelming in trust and
sweet abandon.

I find you are hot and cruelly
twisted up in the covers and clothes
and begin to remove them, you
sleepily comply and lay
naked on your back, careless
to the cool air,
your skin soft and warm in its cooling.

I leave you there turning
to my own side, feeling more at
ease by your presence,
but I cannot drift off, still
you are too far away
from me.

A few gentle tugs to
rouse you, but I feel you turning
toward me,
reaching out for me too, and
I am pulled into
your curves and drowning
by the weight of your safety, I fall
with you. into. sleep.

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Date:2008-08-20 23:39
Subject:D C-cubed?
Security:Public

I went back to the old D triple C today. I'm taking a class there to collect points for when I apply to (3) nursing schools at the beginning of the year.

Of course it brought back old memories just being there. In a kind of a sad way, though, because no one is there...not even me with all my fight and fire and shy flirtations. Well, at least I can really focus on my grades now. Hmmm.

those memories are so vivid and wonderful.

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Date:2008-08-18 18:19
Subject:
Security:Public

As Seen in Solids

I am embarrassed
about the look of polish
around my mouth.

I always think of
you (in) Blue, though
it is not my color
nor my favorite
you seem to make up
my mind for me, teach
me to hate those who
would possess you. No,
I will possess you
Blue.

Though I am Green, not
in the envious way

I feel Red, a breathing
Red so distant from
my vibrant and fertile
colors.

I am Violet of Phoenix
when I take you
torn between mine and yours
I will have both

Then I remember
I am Green, not
the other and I adore
it so much that I give
up the Blue, and
Am much better matched
when i rest below,
beside you.

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Date:2008-08-07 19:54
Subject:I am...
Security:Public

Forever amazed at
the great loves
in my life.
I cherish them
and hold them
close to my heart.
I am compelled
to say so.
I wonder what
my life would be
like without
those dances
of broken-through
love.

To those who have
danced with me, I find
myself grateful.
I am unbelievably
graced to have
encountered those
few men who
loved me boldly,
persistently, despite
the dangers
of my poison
tongue and heart

You honor me
with your love,
so pure and true.
You fought yourself
and me and all humanity
to reach my heart
and make yours true.
I want to say now
that I am sorry
that I tore at your
very being,
that I hurt you.

That you had to
bleed before I
would believe.

Greater love has
no one than this,
that he lay down
his life for
his friends.

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Date:2008-08-06 11:51
Subject:I remember...
Security:Public

Playing with your mind
the morph into
a creature
with quick and biting
tongue

I absorbed
everything that was
you

Your pen, your song
your blood, I melted
boundaries in my heat
to consume
you

I knew the smell
of
innocent blood you
smelled so enticing
your boast so
open you hid
nothing
not even your fear

You, the bravest I
knew you saw me
and stayed

There was nothing
but sounds of your
fear
I waited for you to run,
I waited
I waited

Was I so beautiful
in all my terror
that you could not go?
Was I so dark
that I froze your light?

You felt me
crouch and smile
in the darkness
and
did not move

Still I toss my
head, fighting
the enticing
curiosity of
you
Jack Frost

Still I feel the pull
still I lick my dripping
lips to savor
what is your blood
and intrigue.

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Date:2008-08-05 14:14
Subject:Back from the dead...
Security:Public
Mood:loved

Gees its been a long time since I've been here. I finally got my password back...yes it had been that long. I feel so many emotions coming back to this place. All that I have lived here in one place. Some of them do not like sharing the space. But here they are frozen as they should be. You are mine to keep and look upon whenever I please. Some of these feelings are so strong... they make my heart rush as if I were violently pulled back to that moment and trapped inside it. This place is Neverland. It stands still. And all the feelings, memories and people in it are connected. You are a part of me that I cannot take off nor would I ever want to. No regrets. Not one. And so I find myself back here...

Among the solace quiet of
my mind
and soft floating friends
hovering in the background.

I won't give you up
Quiet Place.

I will
always
come back to you.

Write where I left off.
A few thoughts on missing...
the words
here you are glorified
and not tossed about in
carelessness.

Here you are
displayed to be on
you best behavior.
Never mundane or overused.

Here I will make you shine.

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Date:2007-03-24 13:54
Subject:The long pauses in between postings...
Security:Public

The Last Unicorn

Whenever I think of you its in
Chocolate chip cookies and peanut butter
Balls, barefoot and bareback on horseback
And dreams and dreams of the unordinary, but
The clock stops there and is hidden in time. You see
The Red Bull already chased us both, first
You then me into the Sea, crashing and crashing
Ordinary, the children weighing, dragging at our
Manes, pulling us down. We fought and screamed
And swam defiance, it was all so beautifully sadness
And the boys, they watched from the towers and
Won in the end. Or did they? ( I can’t )*sigh*
Remember? The story goes, still, playing in my head,
How did it end,
Will we, did she go? The Last Unicorn?


-For Bruinin and me

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Date:2006-05-19 10:23
Subject:
Security:Public

Why won’t you use me?
I am every bit as pathetic as
Jacob or Gideon
Why am I only equipped with
This desire to have purpose
But I have no authority
I only scream out into the dark
No one answers, Not even you
I do not lack the energy or the passion,
I lean all my energy into something
That I know I could be. The chance
Is never given. I’m never even considered
To anyone as a use. Why am I overlooked?
Even your most pathetic beings have a place
In your plan. Have I done something to afflict you?
Something that would banish me and my entire existence
From the day that I was born? Why have you even bothered
To make me then, if it is only to make me an example of your
Spite. Is there not even a remnant out there that would recognize
Something that I have to offer and use it? Only hollow encouragement
Do I hear from those that feel pity on me. Only those that waste time and run
For all their might in place take me as an ally.
My hope? I hate my hope. It is useless.
It is nothing but a tease, a reminder of what I could be.
I was meant to be a lamb, but even I fear that as a false hope.
Where is the evidence that my life makes sense?
Why would you give me so much and still it is not enough and the uses that I do have are
Wasted. I have to beg and convince others of my assets.
Over and over again. What is the purpose in that,
What point does it prove in your plan?
I would do it without them, but you have boxed me in, I have no way forward but
Through them. This year I have been rejected over and over and over again. My whole life
Is convincing others to accept me, my whole life is selling myself. What is the point of hope
If no one else will listen or believe.
My whole life is to speak and rally and work and burn
And have others step up and take the credit and lead.
My life is a worm.
I am used. But I am the one that you use for others.
My life is for the glory and completion of others.
The fulfillment of my life is found in knowing
That I am a tool in your hand that you use for your beloved
A tool that is disregarded
Without thought or care or confirmation or pride to say
That I have been an important part of …
When I look back on my life I cannot see one part
That was of value.
It is all ashes and dust.
I was desperately running beside the dream and watching it
Take place, but I had no part in it.
Why won’t you give me a part? Why?
Why won’t you bless me?
“..Let us run with perseverance, the race marked out for us.”
Lord, I have the perseverance. Where is my race???

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Date:2006-02-11 21:45
Subject:
Security:Public

The silent fall,

Its as if

The embodiment of peace,

Made permanent were so

Gradually, quietly, falling.

Peace and quiet has come.

Feathers of great weight

Convene and

Cover everything with quiet.

And new, another chance is made

A new world is laid, with peace.

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Date:2005-11-15 14:20
Subject:
Security:Public

I am officially an Aunt.

She has my dark hair and eyes like the ocean.

Her name is Sari.

(However, when telling my coworker about her he mispronounced her
name and came up with an equally smashing one….
So, tell me what you think of Sori. When I say it I think of….

Stories
and
Soaring…

Or maybe being
apologetically sore)

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Date:2005-05-17 20:36
Subject:
Security:Public

DayDream

Like Jack Johnson song
Or dream
Blue Skies are in the West and
All I see, unless
The grass is too high
And boarders my dreams

Like the book I’m reading is every
Now and again
Paused by an interruption

Like the sound a snort, swish of
A tail or

Like the earth moves
Slightly,
Only slightly

Like a drop in the pond,
Quietly
Soft ripple in my dream.

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Date:2005-03-18 17:14
Subject:
Security:Public

You are a loud voice
In my empty head
Like a giant room with no walls
I cannot see anything
Save your voice.

The clarity is almost embarrassing
So much that eye(s) glance around
To see no one there (but you)
A voice
A profile or just the eyes in my corner
Just out of sight.

You silence the startle
And each time create
Another echoing reaction
That both absorb and astonish.

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Date:2005-02-03 12:42
Subject:
Security:Public

That was fun.
Ice cold drops on my
Face and in my hair
And eyes.

The outside world was
Blue and brown today,
So close to black and white.

I miss the brutal bare bones harnessing
Energy and swallowing the world
Faster and faster,
I can’t get enough of it.

I don’t hate this inside
World of technology and
Fake light, but
Its killing me and pretty
Soon, my need to die
Will overwhelming.

The park I think will
Call me tonight and
Danger itself.
Why fear, death, just
An adventure.

“To die would be a truly
great adventure”

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